I SAW HIM!

For 9 months I saw him everyday, talked to him 50 times a week and had him on my mind 24 hours a day. It all ended on the 10th of august, and exactly 6 weeks and 5 days later we did not talk, or see each other whatsoever. Until now. 6 weeks and 5 days later, I see him right in front of me while I was driving out of the car park. I was compltely unprepared and shocked as hell! I was with 2 of my friends and the car went silent as we passed him by. We were all stunned, and none of us were ready for what happened. I was so overwhelmed, that I felt like I had to stop and breathe, but I didnt want him to think I was waiting for him, so I kept driving. As soon as my eyes met his, I looked away trying not to hit him with my car, even though it would have been an awesome thing to do (;D). After that, I dont know how he reacted. However, my friend who was sitting next to me told me that he had actually stopped and completely turned his head in the opposite direction. Hmmm??? After she told me, I had some sort of panic attack. I went from a laughing, to a crying, to a screaming fit. I just didnt understand how after going from talking to each other for 9 months, to not even seeing each other for 2 months, how he could turn away like that. I overanalysed the whole thing all night, and woke up feeling rotten and guilty. I actually felt bad for what happened between us.

But it takes someone you confide in - a good friend to remind you. That what mine did -she reminded me why I left him in the begining. Reminded me how bad he was for me, and how I would never ever be happy with him no matter how hard I try. And for once, especially after what I wintnessed the other day, I dont hate him. In fact, I feel badly for him. For his inabilty to grow up. Seriously, Im not being sarcastic, I do believe that he's still a boy that will never change. Im over trying to figure out what he's thinking, and what he's doing with his time, and if he's moved on. Just so sick of it. Im moving on, to hell with it all, Im 20 once, I dont want to spend it overthinking stupid unworthy things.

So thats it Saudi guy. This is the end, good luck to you, and I hope that one day you will grow up and think outside the box. Im over it. Im over you.

I SAW HIM!

OMG TONIGHT IS A GREAT NIGHT - I hope it lasts

ITS AWESOME cuz I dont hate him! I just dont care! WOAH! Is this the start of something new? Am I finally accepting this? I dno, but I hope so.
Mum told me that the only reason Im feeling empty is cuz no one is there to fill the void. Its not cuz I miss him, or wanna be with him, but cuz Im not the type of person to fall into and out of relationships just like that - my love is genuine, and is only deserves someone who is worthy enough (and lucky enough) to have it. SO, patience is the key here.

Here we go....

Cry, Scream, Fight; ... Discover, Realise, and become...

Today was the first time I cried my heart out since the break up. It felt nice. Like Im finally letting go, slowly but surely.

But its ok, because every tear makes me realise how much of a mistake it was to get involved with a guy like him.

Everything about him was so wrong LOL! Something was seriously wrong with man!

There WAS something wrong. I want my life to fast forward, I want to be in a place that I feel like im missing out on. The problem is, that its coming, and all I have to do is be patient. After all, they say that good things come to those who are patient.

I will rely on God.

I will live my life, learn from my mistakes, and keep going.

This isnt the end, this is the beginging to something bigger and better. This is a roadblock that I need to open my eyes to the things that I really want in a guy. My skin is thinker, my eyes are open wider, and my experiences have made me wiser - hopefully.

Today, I looked at you, and laughed. In your face. It was awesome.

It was aweomse because I've never seen you in this light before. Last time I talked to you was 3 weeks ago, August 12 to be exact, and I havent seen you since. Although I would expect that from a coward. You going into hiding and shit. Its in your nature. I didnt actually see you physically, but I saw a pic of you on facebook on a mutual friend's album, and realised why everyone I have ever known always told me that I had bad taste in guys. This time, however, I could see it too. You're ugly. Everything about you is ugly. Your smug look, your 'Im gonna squint in this picture tryna pull off the smoky eye effect' pose, your big upper body and embaressingly time lower half. You have no ass, too much curly hair, and you wear shit that makes you look like a douche. I guess it totally fits your personality. Im dreading the day I will see you again though, but not because Im scared of how I will feel, but because I wouldn't know how to treat you. If it would be up to me, I would be with my friends, having the time of my life, while you were walking alone like the loser that you are and I would look you straight in the eye, and look away as if you and I had never met. But thats not gonna happen - its too good to be true. Anyway, when I saw the picture of you, I laughed. So hard! Because I didnt get the sinking feeling I usually do when I see anything related to you, and I didnt miss you. For once, I didnt miss you.

And if you happen to be reading this, I want you to know something: I hope that one day Ill stop hating you, and wishing you all the misery in this world. I hope one day I will genuinely be happy for you and wish you the very best. But right now, even though I claim to be over you, I still hate you ... but dont worry, Im working on it.

Does it ever end?

So Ive gotten over it, right? Right! Unless I see or hear anything about him that will emotionally terminate my senses and restrict me from thinking straight. ITs happened before. When Ive forced myself to smile, to laugh and to pretend that he's just another dick, when in actual fact, I couldnt stop thinking about him every morning when I woke up, every night before I went to bed, and every hour in between. However, during that time, I took every oppurtunity to verbally beat him to a pulp to anyone who would listen. Make him out to be a complete loser with absolutely no moral standards and no human emotion. I would convince myself that I was over him, but how could I have been? My mother told me that if I was truly over him, I wouldnt hate him, because hate itself is an emotion. When one of my girlfriends informed me that he was talking to a mutual female friend of ours, it drove me insane. Jealousy itself would be jealous of me. I was full of hate for him, and anyone remotely linked to him, including his roomate. I was surprised by how much of what I heard bothered me. After all, I didnt care....did I ?I mean, all the thoughts I was having about him were negative, and all the feelings inside of me were angry pent up frustrations, so why was I reacting like this?

Ill tell you why; because Im human. But not any just any type of human being ... Im a woman. I care when I shouldn't have to, I cry when its not a big deal, and I pour my heart and soul into things that are just not worth it. I should have known that it wasn't gonna be easy; That I wouldnt wake up the next morning with amnesia of everything that's transpired over the last few months, without the pain, the suffering, and the regret; but wihtout these, how would I have learnt from my mistake? How would I have matured or discovered things about me that I hadn't known before. This emotional scar will heal Im sure, but it will forever be a reminder of the strength I had to move on, to look away from all the bullshit I went through and to prevent myself from a life of shit. Because yes, this wasn't just a matter of playing around with a guy, it was something more serious than that. It was lifetime decision. Marriage. to a saudi guy! Can you believe. . . .

THey say love is blind, but I couldnt have been that blind, surely?

So this is what an epiphany feels like...

Epiphany: (a) an illuminating discovery, realisation, or disclosure. (b) a revealing scene or moment.

Today was the first time in a really long time that I woke up and realised that I didnt care. That I was over it. That I was finally sick of thinking about it and of emotionally being dragged by it. Whatever. Im not going to open up a whole topic today, but I will tell you that if you ever experience an epiphany like this, it will be the most sweetest thing you will ever know.

'The only mistake you've made, is never learning from your mistakes'

GOD knows how Ive learnt. God knows what Ive done to reach a stage of complete and utter acceptance and experience. I do regret it. I do think it was a mistake, but I also think it has increased my level of maturity. Ive learnt to grow, and let go, and GOOD GOD it feels FANTASTIC. There are always ups and downs no doubt, but this is my up, and Im going to take advantage of it.

So...whats up with these Saudi's?

If you're saudi, I apoligise in advance if you get upset at what you're about to read, but like i said, my views are biased.

Ive been having alot of experiences with Saudi's these last few months. I guess mainly because of the fact that Ive become quite close with a particular saudi guy that I met at college. Lets just say it became more than a friendship. Ive always had a specefic view of saudi people probably because Ive lived there for a while as an expat with my parents. However, for the short time I was there, we never really associated with them. The locals pretty much kept to themseleves and if there was any form of contact, it would usually be the guys trying to pick up any girl who hadn't covered her face. Its funny, becayse I dont ever remember talking to a saudi guy until I met this one.



So, as an observer, Im about to fill you in on things you may or may not have already noticed.



1- All, or at least most saudi guys are metro:

This guy went shopping more than I did. This does not make me a tomboy, or a girl who does not care about her fashion because trust me, I cant go to uni wearing the same thing I already had on the week before just in case someone with a memory of an elephant may remember and then forever associate me with that item of clothing. Anyway, its crazy how much they care about their looks, and its not a bad thing, but there definitely is a limit. Thier saksookas (goatie) are always perfect, they smell like wood (3itir), and as my friend once said 'they always look businessy and shit'!



2- They buy only the best shit:
Even if they're poor as hell! Gucci, Armani, Louis Vuitton, any brand that remotely oozes 'RICH'. Even if its just underwear. Its pathetic!

3- They dont go to study overseas for JUST the education:
Althought some do genuinely look for a better education, most take the oppurtunity that their government provides them (government pays for their education) to leave that prison. Its as if you've opened the door to a cage and let them escape for just a little bit. The things they see seem to blow their mind. Freedom. Girls. Clubs. A chance to live on their own without having to worry about reputation for once. I wouldn't blame them, they hardly see any of this in the 'great' KS of A. Its quite sad actually.

4- They are full of pride:
If you dont own a beamer, or a gucci bag, you are not worthy of their attention. Sad, but totally true.

5- They dont love you, they love to control you:
So like I said, I became close to this guy, and its not until I removed myself away from the shitty situation I was in, did I realise this. I analysed and assessed every nook and cranny of the relationship, and came to the conclsuion that he never truly cared for me. And if you're any khaleeji reading this and thinking 'Well of course not, they're only having some fun' then piss of, you dont know shit! Im not an ignorant, gullible girl, I definitely know MY shit! Once it was over, one of my good friends who never really liked the way he treated me said: 'he deserves an ignorant mountain girl whose ovaries are on overtime.' She should be quoted. Saudi guys are controlling, there is absolutely nothing anyone can say to undermine that fact. The funny thing is, is that they still seem to be cowardly. Big time!

to be continued...

He will move Heaven and Earth ...

... to be with me. Break his back to spend the rest of his life with me. Be a man and love me.

Ive just come out of a nine month excrutiating relationship that has opened my eyes to the fact that not every guy could possibly my soulmate - because there is a person destined to be with that certain someone. When my guy shows up, it wont be hard, it wont be wrong, and it wont be excutiating. But this blog is not about searching for the 'right one'; its about living my life until he shows up - whenever that will be. None of it is supposed to make sense because these are my thoughts, my words, and my emotions jumbled up in a nonsequential blog. Ill be biased if I like, but Ill take your opinons into consideration.

BUT, before we begin this journey, I have to tell you my story. Let's start from the beginging....